song lyrics seem to define me

so I'm pretty sure I can write a paragraph using only song lyrics expressing all my inner fears and thoughts and desires. Or at least some of them.

Is it too late to call this off? Do you, don't you, want me to love you? What do you want from me? Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on, tell me the answer. Have I held out for something that is never going to happen? I can see a lot of life in you, I can see a lot of bright in you, I don't know what to do... this heart's on fire. You know you pick me up from where some try to drag me down. And we go reaching for each other, to keep warm, to stay bright. Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks. I'm standing on the stage of fear and self-doubt, that love of yours, to miss that love is something I'd hate. I wish that we could see if we could be something. I wish I was your favourite girl, basically, I wish that you loved me.

Nicest Thing - Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish we could see if we could be something
Yeah, I wish we could see if we could be something...

(only slightly) emo ramblings of an introspective nature

It's funny how many things that happen in a year can slip away entirely forgotten until something as innocent as an email (ha, since when are emails innocent?) can bring it all, or at least some of it, flooding back. And you can't help but wish you could go back in time and do it all just a little differently. Maybe just stay away from that person you shouldn't have been talking to in the first place, and keep your opinions or issues to yourself. And you wonder if they remember all that shit better than you do, so maybe you understand them just a little bit better now. Funny how that is. So can you move past all that? Is that where the forgetting comes in? Or will all that baggage still be there, just waiting to resurface again and ruin everything? And how can you tell what the other person thinks or remembers without dragging all that junk to the surface? I guess you just can't. So do you leave it how it is? I'm not looking for answers... I'm just wondering s'all. I hate misunderstandings. I wish I hadn't made so many god damn mistakes. Especially the ones I knew were mistakes and made anyways.

If I had just deleted that email.

a thought, but not my own

"Knowledge without love is calculation, and love without knowledge is sentimentalism."

lullabies for little criminals

A couple quotes from a book I'm reading. I just liked these paragraphs too much, I don't want to forget them. Maybe you don't feel the same, maybe they need context, but they sent shivers down my spine like a good book should. Oddly enough, they both mention God. That's not on purpose on my part, or anyone's part for that matter. It's all from the perspective of Baby, a young girl growing up in the worst parts of Montreal with her heroin addict of a 'father', Jules. The book reminds me of Tideland because it's all an innocent child's perspective on an obscene and cruel world.... except for it's a LOT less disturbing. A LOT. I cannot stress that enough. Really good so far but I'm only about halfway through.

"If you want to get a child to love you, then you should just go and hide in the closet for three or four hours. They get down on their knees and pray for you to return. That child will turn you into God. Lousy children probably wrote the Bible."

"It was dark by now. I hated riding in cars in the country at night. In the temporary illumination of the headlights, the insects were scribbling out messages from God that we couldn't get. You couldn't see what was up ahead. How did you know that the universe still existed a few feet in front of the car? How could you know that God was continuing to imagine it all? How could you be sure that he hadn't forgotten about the road and that you wouldn't soon be driving into nothingness?"

Was looking through some old school stuff, and found a list of goals I made for a school project or something like that. I was surprised at how many of them reflected the list I made a couple months ago... and this was back in grade 11. Of course, some of them I've already accomplished - get a job, own a car, climb the Eiffel Tower. And some of them weren't on my list, so I'll add them here:

- see the Hajj
- go down the Nile
- read the bible
- go on a pilgrimage (not related to reading the bible)
- see Niagara falls
- see the Grand Canyon
- write a book/have a piece of work published
- design a house
- coach a soccer team
- sail a pirate ship (I was a fan of pirates LONG before Pirates of the Caribbean...I'll also note here that I've had a crush on Johnny Depp since long before Pirates either. Think 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' or 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?')
- go kite-surfing

oh dear

I'm back in the valley, and I'm not sure how this summer is going to go. Part of me thinks it might turn out to be fantastic, but a much larger part is already worried. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. There's so much I need to do, even just to get settled.

I'm going downtown tomorrow to buy some white paint. Gonna paint the walls of my room white - a literal tabula rasa - and then I'm going to start fresh. I'm going to de-clutter my room while I'm at it (seems a good time to do it), and get rid of all the stuff I never use.

'Stuff' is such an appropriate word...because that's what it is, just stuff. All those things that you never use, but never throw away, they just sit and sit and sit...until one day (if you're me...which you aren't but oh well), you just get sick of it all and you give it all away.

So all the junk will be gone from my room. And my walls will be ready for green. And I'll feel like it's a new beginning and a new room, and that will be very helpful in getting me through this time at home. I miss my old house already.

Summer 2004

I spent a week in Barcelona a couple years back. I'll add more photos to this post later (hooray for the power of editing), but I just wanted to post something, so here it is. Me, soaking wet, at the Barcelona World Forum.

What's the Barcelona World Forum? It was this giant forum (more like a festival, really) that took place in Barcelona in 2004. The topics were peace, cultural diversity, and environmental sustainability. I was invited to attend after some folks in the USA decided they liked an essay I wrote. I didn't actually get to participate in any of the forums or anything, but I got a personal tour and a special pass.... yeah, pretty much rocked. Bed now, more 'bout this later.