song lyrics seem to define me

so I'm pretty sure I can write a paragraph using only song lyrics expressing all my inner fears and thoughts and desires. Or at least some of them.

Is it too late to call this off? Do you, don't you, want me to love you? What do you want from me? Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on, tell me the answer. Have I held out for something that is never going to happen? I can see a lot of life in you, I can see a lot of bright in you, I don't know what to do... this heart's on fire. You know you pick me up from where some try to drag me down. And we go reaching for each other, to keep warm, to stay bright. Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks. I'm standing on the stage of fear and self-doubt, that love of yours, to miss that love is something I'd hate. I wish that we could see if we could be something. I wish I was your favourite girl, basically, I wish that you loved me.

Nicest Thing - Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish we could see if we could be something
Yeah, I wish we could see if we could be something...

(only slightly) emo ramblings of an introspective nature

It's funny how many things that happen in a year can slip away entirely forgotten until something as innocent as an email (ha, since when are emails innocent?) can bring it all, or at least some of it, flooding back. And you can't help but wish you could go back in time and do it all just a little differently. Maybe just stay away from that person you shouldn't have been talking to in the first place, and keep your opinions or issues to yourself. And you wonder if they remember all that shit better than you do, so maybe you understand them just a little bit better now. Funny how that is. So can you move past all that? Is that where the forgetting comes in? Or will all that baggage still be there, just waiting to resurface again and ruin everything? And how can you tell what the other person thinks or remembers without dragging all that junk to the surface? I guess you just can't. So do you leave it how it is? I'm not looking for answers... I'm just wondering s'all. I hate misunderstandings. I wish I hadn't made so many god damn mistakes. Especially the ones I knew were mistakes and made anyways.

If I had just deleted that email.

a thought, but not my own

"Knowledge without love is calculation, and love without knowledge is sentimentalism."

lullabies for little criminals

A couple quotes from a book I'm reading. I just liked these paragraphs too much, I don't want to forget them. Maybe you don't feel the same, maybe they need context, but they sent shivers down my spine like a good book should. Oddly enough, they both mention God. That's not on purpose on my part, or anyone's part for that matter. It's all from the perspective of Baby, a young girl growing up in the worst parts of Montreal with her heroin addict of a 'father', Jules. The book reminds me of Tideland because it's all an innocent child's perspective on an obscene and cruel world.... except for it's a LOT less disturbing. A LOT. I cannot stress that enough. Really good so far but I'm only about halfway through.

"If you want to get a child to love you, then you should just go and hide in the closet for three or four hours. They get down on their knees and pray for you to return. That child will turn you into God. Lousy children probably wrote the Bible."

"It was dark by now. I hated riding in cars in the country at night. In the temporary illumination of the headlights, the insects were scribbling out messages from God that we couldn't get. You couldn't see what was up ahead. How did you know that the universe still existed a few feet in front of the car? How could you know that God was continuing to imagine it all? How could you be sure that he hadn't forgotten about the road and that you wouldn't soon be driving into nothingness?"

Was looking through some old school stuff, and found a list of goals I made for a school project or something like that. I was surprised at how many of them reflected the list I made a couple months ago... and this was back in grade 11. Of course, some of them I've already accomplished - get a job, own a car, climb the Eiffel Tower. And some of them weren't on my list, so I'll add them here:

- see the Hajj
- go down the Nile
- read the bible
- go on a pilgrimage (not related to reading the bible)
- see Niagara falls
- see the Grand Canyon
- write a book/have a piece of work published
- design a house
- coach a soccer team
- sail a pirate ship (I was a fan of pirates LONG before Pirates of the Caribbean...I'll also note here that I've had a crush on Johnny Depp since long before Pirates either. Think 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' or 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?')
- go kite-surfing

oh dear

I'm back in the valley, and I'm not sure how this summer is going to go. Part of me thinks it might turn out to be fantastic, but a much larger part is already worried. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. There's so much I need to do, even just to get settled.

I'm going downtown tomorrow to buy some white paint. Gonna paint the walls of my room white - a literal tabula rasa - and then I'm going to start fresh. I'm going to de-clutter my room while I'm at it (seems a good time to do it), and get rid of all the stuff I never use.

'Stuff' is such an appropriate word...because that's what it is, just stuff. All those things that you never use, but never throw away, they just sit and sit and sit...until one day (if you're me...which you aren't but oh well), you just get sick of it all and you give it all away.

So all the junk will be gone from my room. And my walls will be ready for green. And I'll feel like it's a new beginning and a new room, and that will be very helpful in getting me through this time at home. I miss my old house already.

Summer 2004

I spent a week in Barcelona a couple years back. I'll add more photos to this post later (hooray for the power of editing), but I just wanted to post something, so here it is. Me, soaking wet, at the Barcelona World Forum.

What's the Barcelona World Forum? It was this giant forum (more like a festival, really) that took place in Barcelona in 2004. The topics were peace, cultural diversity, and environmental sustainability. I was invited to attend after some folks in the USA decided they liked an essay I wrote. I didn't actually get to participate in any of the forums or anything, but I got a personal tour and a special pass.... yeah, pretty much rocked. Bed now, more 'bout this later.

I'm leaving for home on Saturday, so tomorrow is my last real day in Victoria. I'm going to miss this house, and this room, and my roommates, and my friends, and this city. I'm not particularly excited to be heading back up island... to be frank. Though I won't be missing school (I think I'm tired of education in classrooms). When I get home I'm going to paint my room. I painted it a couple years ago - bright blue and purple - I think when I get home, I'm going to paint the walls green. I love change. I crave it. Which is why even though I'm not excited to be moving home, I'm stoked to be moving. I had so much fun taking things apart in my room today, taking everything off the walls...because I know I get to have the fun of putting everything back up again when I get home (after the paint job!). Green is a good colour.

Taxis and buses, hurrah!

Taxis

2222-999,

2222-222,

2666-666,

2222-220,

2639-639,

2536-536

Bus Terminals

The main bus terminal in Quito is Terminal Terrestre or El Cumandá. Some of the larger, well-known companies are TransEsmeraldas, Transportes Ecuador, Transporte Sucre, Panamericana and Flota Imbabura.

Stole these from a fellow traveler (thanks Jason!), figured this was the best place not to lose them

Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

Just blame the Christians

I read this for Environmental Studies, and it was incredibly interesting. I have my own beef with Christianity and organized religion in general - but even if I didn't, I think I still would have found this article enlightening and intriguing. Gotta take it with a grain of salt, but White isn't wrong. There just may be more to the story.

The Historical Roots to our Ecological Crisis

note: as it has come to my attention that people may actually be reading this blog, I just want to say I'm not bashing Christianity. Read the article. It's interesting, and it's not bashing Christians either... it's about how early Christianity was based on an anthropocentric view of the world, and how Christian values are so deeply ingrained into western technology and science (which dominates throughout the world), that we will not be able to resolve our ecological crisis until we entirely reevaluate our core values, and thus our position on the environment. That's all. Well, there's more to it, but that's the gist.

on the edge of summer

It's almost that time of year again. Tomorrow I'm going to start packing up my room, and I'm ecstatic and also incredibly sad at the same time. The happiness stems from the fact that I hate being in one place for too long, and so I'm excited to pack up my room and move somewhere new. But I'm also well aware that I'm not moving somewhere new, I'm going back home, to my old room... and that's not exactly exciting. But I've decided I can live with it, as long as I paint my walls this summer. I think it will be enough of a change - and maybe if I move all the furniture around too - that I'll last until next January. Or at least September.

When i get home, I'll be going back to my old high school to get the kids involved in this amazing project started by a girl not much older than myself The Mosqoy Foundation

I might get the chance to work with them while I'm in Peru, or at least meet some of the students involved, who are lucky enough to receive the scholarships this organization provides.

At least it's not a hummer

I had my mom convinced. She was going to buy a Prius. I was all set to be proud of my environmentally-conscious mother. But then Toyota decided (I guess, I don't know if there was any conscious decision making going on!) that in this most expensive, state-of-the-art hybrid vehicle, they weren't going to bother giving the driver's seat the ability to move up and down. Back and forth - no problem! But not up and down. It was a deal breaker (god knows why), and now the new family car will probably be a Honda CRV - an SUV (which, you know, is pretty much the polar opposite of a hybrid, even if it's probably no worse than the boat we drive now (ford mercury sable...ugh...what an awful car!)). When I have enough money to afford a brand new car, I won't waste it on a gas guzzler. Then again, by the time I can afford to buy a brand new car, the environment will be so far gone that maybe it won't matter.

Some pictures of me and my best friend Lucy snowboarding this winter at Mt. Washington. Just a bunch of photos of us being goofs on the chairlift...

Me

I want to get a tattoo. I've wanted a tattoo for a long time, almost since I became an independent person with thoughts of her own.

So, around grade 10 or 11.

[rant begins...]
I mean, I had thoughts before that, but I don't think I was much of a unique individual. Not that I think I'm so different from everyone else. I hate people who think they're so different and alternative, because they're not. They're just like everyone else who thinks they're "different" which makes them all the same. I hate people who think they're oh so rebellious because of the music they listen to or the way they dress. Most of the time they just look like idiots, and they're just acting like everyone else anyways. A different "everyone else" than the people that were "everyone else" before, but it's all the same. I simply believe that I can think for myself now, and am intelligent enough to form my own opinions and thoughts about the world, etc, etc.
[....rant over]

I'm going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro before I'm 40. It would be hard, but certainly not impossible. I'm giving myself a fair bit of time to get in shape, hahaha!

I obviously stole this bottom photo from someone, I would post a picture of the main summit, but I couldn't find any without someone standing proudly by the sign. I don't know what they'd think if they saw their pic on a random blog, but I didn't want to risk it. I'd take so many pictures at all stages of the trek. Awesome.

Okay, so I like posting photos of places I want to go. But someday (next year!) I'll have a million photos of my own. I'm especially looking forward to the one where I'm rescuing a baby sea turtle. I totally want to do that while I'm down in South America. Just cause they're adorable. I'm such a girl!

The roof of the Secret Garden Hostel in Quito, where I'll be staying (with any luck!)

the planning continues...

(and I'll probably change my mind a million times along the way, and keep planning and changing right up until the day before I leave...which isn't for a long long while)

Canada --> Ecuador --> Peru --> Chile --> Canada

Places I want to go/see (with illustrations!)
(not in any rank or order)

1. Machu Picchu
2. The Galapagos Islands


The Nazca Lines:
Okay, so these are some of the few more "tourist-y" ideas I have for my trip, that I'm willing to splurge on. Hooray. I'd also like to take a trip out to Easter Island, and obviously a MILLION other things, but I'll keep adding them as I go. This is enough for today.